Within a two week period I'd said this particular phrase twice, "OMG! You'll never guess who just walked in the bar." Now...there are a few ways you could say it. "OMG! (clapping) You'll never guess who just walked in the bar. Look everybody!(jumping up and down) Gerard Butler!" Now you know how I feel about him. I'd be smiling and doing back flips. NO! Both times I said it like this, "LOOK EVERYBODY. (grabbing a pretend knife and making a stabbing motion to my heart) MY HEAD IS ON FIRE AND THERE'S NO WATER. (pretend gun to my head and pulling the trigger)GRAB THAT BUCKET OF ALCOHOL OVER THERE. PERFECT!" Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Here's how time number one went down. I only have the energy to tell you about the first one tonight. I'll tell you about the second one another time.
A month ago I am at a bar in the Bermuda Triangle. No kidding. It is in the middle of Faraway, USA. We'd had fish fry, as every Jew should for lent, and then my friends and I'd decided instead of the usual haunt, we'd try something new and we drove to what seemed like the equator. Now, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I am not the best driver. In fact, some would say possibly Ray Charles may even park better than I do. My best friend sings the song, "What Do We Do With A Drunken Sailor," every time I park the car. Shocking, I know. So much so that I hear it even when she's not with me. I hum it all the time. My kids even sing it to me now. This fine evening I'm the designated (Bad) driver for the night. We arrive at the bar, walk in, and stake our territory next to the pool table and where the karaoke is supposed to be and I'm thinking, "Yay! Different crowd. I can relax. I don't have to talk to anybody. I can just people-watch. Right on." The karaoke guy, which, you know they call him the, "KJ?" I didn't know this. OK, so anyway, the KJ comes in and says, "Let's get this thing going. Now, let me tell you about this guy for a minute...He's wearing designer man-jeans (I don't know what the fuck you call them, they're fancy pocket jeans) and a long sleeved affliction-y type waffle weave shirt, he's tall, super-duper thin, but has nice shoulders, blond, a cool patch, and he's got presence. You know when he's in the room. He starts to sing and I swear to all that is holy, I was like a 55 year-old woman at a Tom Jones concert. I wanted to throw my phone number, my hotel keys, my panties, (seriously, I was at a Tom Jones concert. They really do throw all this shit at him and he's 70 years old.) I was amazed at the soulful voice that came out of this man. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Where was I...alright, I wish I didn't love boys so much. Kir and I start writing down songs we're going to sing. She's a metal girl. It's crazy. I've never heard some of the songs that she sings done by the original bands, only her versions, and I don't wanna. A lady walks by us and this is probably about the third time she's walked by when finally she says to us, "Which one of you smells so good?" "Both of us," we chimed at the same time. "Oh, I keep walking by because it's so good, will you let my husband smell you?.." and that's all it took. That's as easy as it is for us all the time. It makes me laugh. We ended up singing with this lady at the end of the night. She was a doll. While I'm filling out my songs, I stopped to talk to Kir and her man. The door opened...and in walked...COWBOY D! Are you fucking serious? (see post, "Are you gonna eat that?" No, I mean it. Stop here and go into the archives of my blog, I think it's in February) I, at first, thought this is a joke. Really? I stood up off the bar stool and said, "Kir, remember I told you about the guy that ate the guy that was a 'few extra pounds', " she said, "Yeah, why? What's wrong with you?" I put my hand on my head and looked at the floor. "He just walked in the bar." Kir paused for a minute and gave that casual glance around like she was looking at random stuff in the bar and when her eyes reached Cowboy D she let out an, "Oh my GOD!" "So I wasn't overreacting then, was I?" I was looking for reassurance. "Holy shit, no, " she blurted without hesitation. Her man was just shaking his head. He'd just said earlier at dinner, "If you ever date Robyn, make sure you treat her right or you will find yourself in her blog...and she's not nice." Now, I don't know if that's true. I'm honest. And I write good things, too. But my last relationship asked me not to blog about us, so I didn't. And that would've been some good stuff, too. OMG, so Cowboy D walks in and I'm sure he was just as shocked to see me as I was him. I was all ready to say Hi and he walked right past me. Really? Really. Just say hi and get it over with. The last time I saw Cowboy D he was hugging me like Lenny from Of Mice And Men and trying to eat my face without my permission. The least you can do is say hello. And...AND he starts playing pool with the only guy I think is cute in the whole place besides the KJ. What's a Goddess to do? Yes, yes, yes...start singing like it's a Broadway musical...gotta problem? Sing a song. We're singing like fools. The crowd is so much fun. They sing fun, dance-y songs that are just a hoot. Cowboy D won't even look in my direction. The KJ, J, is yummy and delicious, he tells us he's glad we came out, it's so much fun just to be with my friends. OK, jeez, there's gotta be a lesson in here somewhere. I haven't figured out the reason why I would've run into Cowboy D again so far away from home, but I did meet some great new people. I met someone who moves me with his voice and gives me goosebumps when he talks in my ear. I watch my best friend bring an entire bar to attention when she sings, "Run To The Hills," and it makes me so proud to be with her that she's so brave. I see her man look at her with such adoration and love. I call them the Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man couple. But he loves her. My G-d, how I would love to have someone love me that way. Someday. It's coming. Okie dokie, enough of the ridiculous. My song picks for tonight's dance break: Ram Jam's, "Black Betty" and, "Independent" by Webbie.
I am Grateful for:
fish fry during lent
karaoke
waffle affliction shirts
my sanctuary, my apartment. I'm moving, but wherever I am, it is my sanctuary.
iTunes
lip gloss with sparkles
hot, hot showers
fresh, clean sheets on my bed and a fluffy comforter
I hope this post finds you all well and I hope you can find things to be grateful for today. Much love, R
