A random post from the Mastery Grad Boards triggered when I decided to leave
It was rare that my husband would keep the kids out of the bedroom and quiet while I was sleeping, but this one particular morning I could hear him saying to the kids, "Let Mommy sleep." Until he finally came in and stood on my side of the bed and said,
"Robyn, I need you to be awake now."
"Ok, what?" I peeled my eyes open.
"M's dead." Just like that. But he was never one for mincing words.
I sat up immediately, "What? What? What do you mean?" He started to tell me that my mother's best friend's youngest son was dead. I couldn't understand what he was saying to me, like he was speaking to me in a different language. My ex dialed the phone and called the oldest of the 5 kids and handed it to me.
"J?" I choked out, "What happened? What is this?"
"Robyn? We don't know what happened yet. They found him laying there in his bed. Ma is here layin' on the couch..." J is sobbing. J is what you would call a man's man. Not a crier. I'm close to this family. I'd do anything for any of the kids. We've been on vacations together, spent years of Christmas Eves together. I'd just been to Miami with the middle sister. The youngest sister interned for my (then) husband, the youngest kids had come over to get chicken pox from me.
"I'm getting dressed now. I'll be there in an hour."
I am so fucking confused and out of sorts, I put my shoes on before my pants and I can't figure out WHY my pants won't go on over my shoes. I'm trying to hold it together as best as I can, but I'm still crying. Ex grabs me by the shoulders and sits me down on the closed toilet seat in the bathroom, looks into my eyes and says, "Robyn, I don't want to stop you from going...but who's going to make dinner?"
I sat in silence for a good 30 seconds before I replied.
That's the moment. That's the moment I said in my head, "I am SO leaving you." All the Mama Gena, Inner Circle, Therapy, Lexipro...NOTHING will ever make me forget this moment of, "But who's going to make dinner?" I tried so hard to find him right. It was Yom Kippur at sundown and he was worried he wouldn't have food for the fast. "Can you go to your parents?" But he said that they eat too early. I suggested some takeout menus downstairs and that seemed to appease him for the moment. At least long enough for me to get in the car and start my hour-long drive. M's death was...is still very hard for all of us who knew him. It's only been a year since he's been gone. He was young and so handsome and ridiculously fun to be around. And, my G-d could he dance. His middle brother is my age (always the one that I was kinda associated with the most) and at one of the many parties we were all at, M and I danced together and when the song was over he said in my ear, "Now who's your favorite?" Flirty little fucker! So, of course I told him it was HIM. I'd watched him grow from a little boy into a man. Such a good, kind, loving, giving man.
At work I made a special playlist that I used, and I still use it every once in a while because I know that M would love knowing there are all these women pole dancing and lap dancing in his honor. Yeah, he does. I am grateful for knowing M. For the memories I have. For still having his amazing family in my life. For whatever purpose his death had to serve, although I'll never understand why. But I am grateful because it led me here. I miss you. With love, R
I have two songs for M tonight
"Somebody," Bonnie McKee
"Calling All Angels," The Wailin' Jennys
The email I received from his sister:
"
- blogHi Robyn,
Most of the time I am just truckin' along, trying to get through the day with a thousand thoughts of M and trying to just keep going. Then, about every month I have a moment where my soul just says, "stop everything you're doing and be sad". As much as I know they are necessary, I HATE these moments. I literally was up the entire night last night with tears and anxiety about M. It was my body, mind and soul telling me I had suppressed it too long. I have been in tears all day. Just a "M day". I know you posted it for a different reason (which I think is amazing by the way), but I just want to let you know how good it was for me to read that today. Hearing where you were, your conversation with J, how much we all mean to you, and your funny story about the flirty dancer made my day and helped me to know, it's ok to be sad today. As silly as that sounds I need to be reminded of that sometimes. It is still hard and always will be. Love you Robyn.
B xo""I don't want to ever paint a negative picture for you of [my Ex] and that day. He adores you. He just is who he is and I've learned ya just can't make a cat bark. Your mother is my Mom's only real friend, I truly believe that. My mom doesn't talk to anyone other than her sisters on the phone, she doesn't go to dinner, have anyone over, go anywhere, but with your mom. Your mom has done things for me that risked a lot in her life. I mean, she had an intervention at my Mom's dining room table and ambushed me just last March. (oh yeah, that was fun) Um, I've kissed all the men in your family inappropriately at some point in my life and tried to get your sister topless in a tropical climate. (ok, that may have been too much, sorry) I remember you as a little girl on a cruise ship eating ice cream with M right before dinner but you were such a little lady. I've seen J cry more times than I want to remember for things that no family should have so much hurt from. But the crazy thing is...I am so in love with each and every one of you. And every time I get to come to a party/celebration I am excited and can't wait to bring the kids or NOT bring the kids. Maybe M had a hand in my posting yesterday so you could see it and have a laugh or know someone else's story of where they were when they got the news. Or maybe it's the other way around for you to comfort me. Either way, it gave me a chance to say what has been in my heart. My love for your mom and your family is as strong as what I have for my family. And I'm always here. Much love, Robyn"
"I love you, Robyn. You're so special. Thank you.
PS: There is nothing fun about the (Her Mother) intervention/ambush. So happy you survived it;)"
PS: There is nothing fun about the (Her Mother) intervention/ambush. So happy you survived it;)"
I carry a lot of anger about the whole thing. I don't understand the whole, "It was his time. It was meant to be, " Bullshit. A friend of mine died about 11 years ago around the same time and she was in her mid-twenties, one of my best friends, she was in my wedding, and I just don't believe the, "It was her time. God wanted her to come home." What the fuck is that? Maybe that's why it hurts more about M. Because it's the same time/month. B/c it was the catalyst to the end of my marriage. (Grateful for that) B/c they were both so ridiculously young and it's just so pointless. Ok, so Sunshine, where's the rainbow? I don't know. Right now I'm in a huge transition in my life. I'm not very grounded, but I'm free. I'm happy. I'm living. I'm loved. I am as free as a feather on the wind and I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything. So I guess that's the rainbow. I lead by example. I love openly and give my heart to those who deserve it and to those who need it the most. I miss M b/c he represented something so profound in my life. His death was in essence the death of my marriage, an integral part of my life that had been a sickness as well. Or...I'm totally cracked. Either way, I'm alright with the end of my marriage. I still know where the ex lives. He calls me...ugh...so I hear his voice whenever I want. The death of a friend...not the same. Miss you baby boy.
