I think sometimes if it wasn't for my friends and for my ridiculous love for karaoke and making people laugh, I'd have given up by now. Really, really given up by now. Do you every find yourself saying, "You just can't make this shit up?" I've said that about three times this week, alone. This is the third time, this story I'm about to tell you. I had had the worst day. THE worst day. I'd come from mediation with my ex douchebag husband and it ended with me sobbing on the street of W Wacker drive on the phone with my mother. My mother not being a very Motherly-type, says to me sternly, "Robyn! Stop crying! Your 42 years old." Because I guess there's a certain cut- off where the crying just stops, I guess. Anyway, I get to my Tuesday haunt, wait for my crew, and at the advice of my best Irish friend, start to have a few cocktails. This is not customary for me. I'm not a drinker, and ironically enough, this is the main reason for leaving my beloved. He is an alcoholic amongst other issues, but he is not the topic here. Where was I? Ah, I'm getting loopy to forget the douchebag-exhusband. My amazing friends come, we sing, we dance, we play, for some reason we are all a bit happier then usual. Maybe it's just me b/c I'm a bit more wheeeeeee *spins finger in circular motion* than usual, and I get up to sing but none of my words are coming out the way I want them to. Suddenly the song is over and I don't remember it being so short. Yeah, it is time to stop drinking. I have to pull my shit together before I have to start driving home. Our guy who does the karaoke has a following. Groupies? Adoring fans? Yeah, we love him because he's fun and funny and just makes you feel like you're special. There's always regulars whether they are sitting with the, "harem," or not, there's people that you recognize. They even have names. "Oh, look, Johnny No Cash is here." "Pin cushion is afraid to show his face now in his magician pants." "Oh, Lord, here comes Velma." "Yay, it's the Lumberjack!" Meanwhile, the night is winding down and there's this Wallflower at the table near us that I recognize but I've never talked to. He's probably about 5'7-5'8' and muscular arms. Polish looking. But plain. Doesn't dress like anything out of the ordinary. I've seen his posts on FB and he always refers to himself in the third person. It'd be like me saying, "Robyn is very excited to see you." "Robyn loves to make macaroni." I just re read that and made myself laugh. I could change it, but why? Ok, so Wallflower is minding his own business all night and it's time to leave. Somehow everybody's gone.
Me: Uh, yeah?
Wallflower: Yeah, I was doin' pushups. I just did a hundred and ten just now.
Me: Awesome. I didn't ask. (I'm kind of a bitch, I know. Ask me what I said to the poor schmuck that wore his pajama pants to the bar last week)
Wall: I like to do pushups before I get in the car if I been drinkin' to get the ol' blood goin', you know. *uncomfortable laugh*
Me: Uh huh. Now I'm trying to walk to my car door and he starts wiping his hands on the trunk and the back window of his car to get the sweat off of it and, I don't know, wash his hands, maybe? Show me his massage technique? And he tries to make small talk. Mind you, I've never talked to this guy before EVER.
Wall: You're a really good singer. I really enjoyed hearing you sing tonight, you and all your friends. You're all really good *massages the car*
Me: Thanks
Wall: And you're a really good dancer, too. I really liked watching you dance. You and E (E is a guy at the bar who mostly likes men so I don't mind dancing with him) Now he comes over to my car
Wall: I'm gonna take the water off your car. Your car is nice and wet (he starts to massage my car) nice and wet...Like you were with E.
WHOA, WHAT?!?
When it finally registered what he said to me I turned my head and said to him
Me: What the fuck did you just say to me? (You Sir, have picked the wrong day and the wrong girl) Wallflower looked at me and smiled as if to say, "You heard what I said."
Me: Seriously, what the fuck did you just say? (I am pretty sure I heard a switch actually flip on in my brain) Wallflower: What? We're adults. We can joke about sex, can't we? (uncomfortable fidgeting starts to set in) Me: I'm an adult, yes, (finger goes up, neck starts to move back and forth) but I'm also a woman and you will speak to me with respect. Are we fucking clear? You don't know me. Don't you ever talk to me that way again.
S T A R E
(Poor Wallflower didn't realize his disrespect came at the price of Douchebag's idiocy, too)
Wall: I'm really sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.
S T A R E
(Yes, I didn't mean anything. I quite often talk to strangers about vaginal fluids.) Somehow he changes the subject to how he lost his friend in November. I wish I could remember how my girlfriend put it when I told her. Something like, "segue from awkward sex talk to dead friend..." but she said it so much funnier. I mumbled something like, "That's too bad. I'm so sorry. See you next week." I got into my car, locked the doors and hauled ass home. Have I just been out of the dating loop for so long that I just don't get the lingo? Was that first line of, "Oh, hey, I wasn't pukin' or nothin'," my cue to throw my underwear off and say, "FINALLY!!! TAKE ME!" Well, at least he'd have something to wipe his hands with after all that car-sweat. (thanks, R) Honestly, I am lucky he didn't clock me and put me in the trunk, because it was really stupid to run my mouth the way I did. But, really. Ok, difference. And this happened earlier in the evening...
"Hey (guy I don't know really well) what's the word?" ( I say in passing) He says to me, "Legs, but don't spread it." HA! It's corny and it's a little dirty, but he's not in a parking lot, cornering me by my car alone, looking at me like he wants to wear my skin as a suit, talking about the condition of MY vagina. Oh, God, somebody please tell me what the rules are. Why is my life so freakin' hilarious? Because, honestly, I think if my mediation hadn't pushed me out of my pleasure and I'd been more in control, I would've handled that situation differently and been able to school Wallflower rather than reprimand him. He's lucky I didn't pick up the car and beat him with it. But then again, I'm a lady, and I wouldn't want to break a nail. *hair flip* OH, my darlings, I am so grateful you took the time to read my crazy rant, because it felt like a rant. It did! I'm hoping it's all worth it. I'm totally laughing about it now. Wishing you all love love love and hey, how about a round of pushups in the parking lot next time and think of my vagina. Whoop whoop!! Bet you will now...
I am giving you the trinity:
I Brag:
I released a relationship that was toxic and no longer served me
I love myself more
I made my apartment so much more homey and me
I had a kick-ass dinner for my family last night
I met awesome people in the last week despite the wackadoos
I treated myself to the best hair blow-out and I can leave it for a few days now
I Desire:
A good night's sleep
A massage (my back hurts)
To release 15 pounds that found it's way to my body
My job back (I miss my girls)
My son to stop thinking my face is sad. (I know why)
To have high-heeled shoes that don't hurt
Financial freedom pink gerbera daisies
I Am Grateful:
Jo Malone Shower Gel that smells so good in my shower
The sunshine that hits my shoulders when I walk to the car
Starbuck's coffee, cold, strong
Good blow-dry's from hair stylists
Handsome men in suits that smile as they walk by
Lip gloss
My Dyson vacuum with the ball
Cupcakes with sprinkles
Karaoke
Advil
Forgiveness
My song choices are:
8 Miles Wide by Storm Large (such a Goddess)
http://youtu.be/w5U-YT-mRmI
Respect by Aretha Franklin
What. A. Fucking. Creep.
ReplyDeleteI do NOT know why he thinks he's so God damn desirable.
What a fucking douche. Don't touch me! Ew.