Meanderings

 I sat on the bed watching him get ready for work. I took out my phone and I don't think he noticed, but I started to take pictures of him. He stood there looking so serious. Collar flipped up on his light blue dress shirt. Flipping his tie over and over to make the perfect knot. I'm fascinated by the colors in his beard. I've never seen salt and pepper look so attractive. What is it about him that drives me so crazy? He is everything I've waited for. Everything I've asked The Universe to bring me. I don't really have a purpose to this post tonight. I don't have a particular story to tell. I think because it's just been so long since I've written anything, I'm completely backed up and I need to start unloading so you'll understand how I got here. It's been a ride, that's for sure. I've gone from my last entry of meeting my wonderful Eclipse Family down in Dowell, IL to losing my apartment and succumbing to total homelessness for seven and a half months to getting back on my feet and finding the love of my life in a pandemic. I mean, who does that? I should have the fucking Rocky Theme playing when I enter a room. These last years have humbled me. They've helped me in so many ways. You really find out who you are when you sleep in your car and eat your meals from the gas station but still show up for work every single day and nobody is the wiser. Luckily I had wonderful friends who helped where they could. But I really think it made me appreciate a lot. It also made me strong. And it brought me M. Right now as I type, I am looking over the laptop and I see him watching the Baylor/Gonzaga game. I can only see part of him. His daughter sits to his right working on her homework. She's the carbon copy of him. She's strong. She's fearless and not afraid to speak her mind. I love her spirit. I've spent the day laying around his house, talking to his mom, folding laundry, eating, watching tv, looking out the window. It's been the most relaxing and delicious day. Time for bed. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. No dance break. Just sleep.   

What Do You Mean You Don't Have Ice?

 

It’s funny. I could tell you I knew immediately. Which I did, but that seems a little Pollyanna-ish of me to say. When Mike came over for the first time to my little apartment in Arlington Heights, I lived on the top floor of a two-flat. I buzzed the door and told him to come up. As soon as he opened the door at the top of the stairs to where the four apartments were on that floor, I saw his kind eyes (framed by his perfectly dark eyebrows) and his beautiful smile.

I knew I liked him.

What I didn’t know is that my neighbor would charge out of his door and block Mike from getting to my apartment. Very awkward first meeting is happening in three, two, one… “I am SO SORRY if my dog has been loud. He’s a puppy and my wife and I just got him.” He’s standing in between us, and I’m trying my best to bat my eyes and smile and doing the usual, “Nice to meet you,” kinds of small talk. “Oh, no. I haven’t heard him at all,” I say. “Do you want to see him?” “The puppy? Absolutely!” The neighbor jumps back into his apartment and I’m more nervous now than I was pressing the buzzer to let in the stranger that may kill me. Well, at least now my neighbor will be able to give a description to the police if I turn up in a refrigerator or anything. “This is Boston.” He’s holding an adorable puppy. Mike and I are both petting this puppy and laughing. It was so weird…but not in a bad way. We say our goodbyes to Neighbor-Guy (I can’t remember his name) and we walk into my apartment. I shut the door and let out a big exhale. “Would you like to sit down?” And that’s how it began. We sit on my chocolate-brown couch, I have some show playing on the tv with the volume down. I have the closed captions on (this will make sense later), and we’re talking, getting to know each other more. He made me laugh the whole night. Sidebar: those of you who know me well, know you will never win me over if you can’t entertain my mind. I used to ask G-d or The Universe or whatever is the higher power out there, to bring me someone to love but the prerequisites were: You had to love my children. (we’re a package deal). You had to be kind. (I’ve had enough mean-spirited, abusive assholes in my life to last ten lifetimes). And you had to have a wit/sense of humor that matched or was better than mine. Ok, sidebar over. Back to the couch. Mike and I are sitting there laughing, talking, learning about each other. He's so handsome. It's been about an hour, and he turns to me, lowers his voice, looks at me seriously and says, “Hey, can I ask you something?” I bite my bottom lip, smile a coy little smile, and I have no idea what he’s going to ask, but I’m intrigued. “Sure. What do you want to know?” (Hair flip, smirk) He pauses, leans into me, and says with a straight face, “Are you fucking deaf or something? What’s with the captions on the tv? G-d, I hate reading.” My eyes open wide, and I answer him, “Oh my G-d, you’re hilarious. My daughter put the captions on, and I have no idea how to turn them off.” That was the moment I melted.

 I knew I had to see him again.

Ask me about the next time we were watching tv and he wanted me to put the game on. “Um, I can’t. I don’t have live tv.” I thought he was going to have a stroke. But…he still came back. He’d bring food and we’d eat on my couch watching Netflix or Hulu (I didn’t have a table to sit at…If you know, you know) and he said to me while waving his hand in front of his face, “Ah, the shine is all off now.” He said this because when Mike eats, (this night was Wingstop. It was still COVID, and nothing was open for dine-in) his nose gets all stuffed up, his eyes water, it’s amazing to watch. I sat on my little corner of the couch and ate in awe of this sniffling, crying man who strips a chicken wing like nobody’s business. Every time he'd leave, and I couldn’t wait for him to call me, so we’d talk on his drive home. We’d talk until one of us fell asleep (it was always him, lol). Wait…that makes it sound like he’d fall asleep driving. He didn’t. It was when he was home already. And he’d be snoring on the phone. I didn’t care. If I couldn’t physically be with him, at least I was there in spirit, I guess.

I knew I really, really liked him.

I don’t know if I am ready to write any more than I have already about how he was there for me when my father passed. I don’t think I can right now. It’s still too fresh and I'll start crying at my desk. I will say this: We met in late November of 2020. My father passed in late April 2021. Mike’s dad wasn’t doing well, either. When my father died, Mike took days off from work to be with me and my family. He bought dinners for the family, drove me back and forth every day from Norridge to Joliet and back to Norridge. The drive back home was always the worst. I was emotionally drained, silent, physically spent. When I slept at his place, he never really knew what he’d wake up to. I could laugh one minute and be hysterically sobbing the next. The shower was where I'd lose it the most. He never complained. He never said anything like, “But who’s going to make dinner?” (Again, if you know, you know) Mike helped me pick out the clothes my father was laid out in and helped me with every detail of his funeral.

What the fuck? I just stopped to reread what I have been typing. I am so sorry. That really took a weird turn. Yikes. Still there?  Whew. I am going to stop here for a while and pull it together. I just wanted to tell you that although he makes me laugh until I have tears rolling down my face and it hurts to breathe, he also is the kindest, most gentle soul that has ever lived. I could say I knew I loved him at more than a dozen times in the span we’ve been together. Truth is, I don’t think there’s been a time when I didn’t love him. I can’t decide if I’m going to publish this yet or where it should go. As always, thank you for reading and humoring me. If you made it all the way through, I am grateful. Here’s the dance break songs I chose for today:

“You Make Me Feel So Young” – Frank Sinatra

“Heavenly Day” - Patty Griffin

I am Grateful for:

Hot showers

Nightly (delicious) dinners that end with coffee

Refrigerator Tetris

Morning dancing and general weirdness

Laughing until crying and vice versa