If we meet and you don't look like your pictures...you're buying me drinks until you do!

I have to tell you...the more the days go by, the funnier it gets.  I had a friend 

suggest to me I offer a service to people that I proof their profiles to help them

...honestly, not such a bad idea. This, by far is one of the funniest tag lines I've seen.  I am so grateful 

you took time out of your day to read this.  Enjoy the rest of your day. xoxo, Robyn 

WARNING: "If we meet and you don't look like your pictures...you're buying me drinks until you do."

 Recently I've been receiving a shit-ton of these, "winks," from one of the sites that I'm on which is just like saying, "hi," and that's it and I can't STAND that.If you are going to take the time to read my profile, put some effort into writing something to me. If I receive more than one, "wink," from the same person and I am not interested, I send an email telling them, "no thank you," so they stop emailing me, because I think it's only fair and they are obviously not getting the hint.  This is in response to my, "No thank you," From Guido Wink:

 "I HIT THE WRONG BUTTON!" But I do not think you are 42, and I wish you the best of luck finding a guy 7 inces taller, you should be looking for a nice Jewish guy. You look at least 48. If you read my profile, does it look like I woul even come half wy to meet you. That was a statment not a question. 

 My reply:
 Re: I HIT THE WRONG BUTTON! Oh, my poor little racist friend. Do you have spell check? Because that would come in handy when you're trying to say mean things to women who aren't interested. (You should also do this on your profile. I'd be happy to help) I was giving you a courtesy. I don't have to settle, so...Good luck to you. It looks like you, your Napoleon complex, and your hair plugs are going to need it more than my 48+ year old looking JEWISH self could EVER give a man like you. It looks like you're a bitter old guy with an erectile problem. THAT is a statement, Darling. Does it look like I want to date my Uncle Leo? And that is how sarcasm is done. How sad is it because I said no thank you to your wink you have to attack my religion. Nice...you don't have to bother contacting me again. I PROMISE you I won't even open your email. Oh, are you even 5'6"? I have a sneaky suspicion no. Signed, the Jewish American Princess who turned you down...BLOCKED 

 I'm still debating on whether or not that was the right thing to do. In hindsight, it wasn't very Goddessly and I should've just let it go and chalk it up to he was just feeling rejected. I am finding more and more that we, as women have forgotten how to listen to our men...or listen how to love them. I was talking to one of my male friends the other day that takes me out and treats me. It's always such a joy when I go out with him because I get to feel like such a girly-girl. We go to dinner and have actual conversation. I get to take my time dining, enjoying my food and not have to rush like I'm eating a meal in prison. We have cocktails and he never says anything about my loud laugh. And he never, ever makes me feel obligated or pressured to do more than just receive. We were talking over a delicious Italian meal before meeting friends about the differences between men and women. I've always been a firm believer that if women don't speak up for what they want in any situation, then they have to be prepared for the consequences. It can be as simple as:
 "Where do you want to go for dinner tonight, Dear?" 
"I don't care...wherever you want to go..." and secretly she's hoping he'll come up with this magical fairytale dinner with roses and candlelight or something to that effect. But what she gets is... 
"...and she'll have the #5 and supersize it. (wink) 'Cause you deserve the best, Baby." 
And she is mad for the next 3 months. He has no idea why. Moral...don't be mad at Mr. Man. You didn't tell him what you wanted. You said you didn't care. But in reality, you did care and you expected him to read your mind. Now poor dude is wondering why he can't get laid and you punch him in the thigh giving him a charlie horse every time you pass a Golden Arches. What would happen if we (women) tried this... 
"Where do you want to go for dinner tonight, Dear?" 
"I'd love to try that new place over on Main St." 
 or 
"I really don't have a taste for anything special, but I'd rather not go to (name of place you don't want to go). 
or 
"I'd like (choice #1) (choice #2) or (choice #3) but I'll let you pick from those." 
This goes for every aspect. You have given your man options, told him what you want or don't want, and now he's not left floundering like a fish. This is also very pertinent in the, "other," areas of our lives, too. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?) We have the tools to get everything we want and desire if we just ask...not nag...ask. Nagging vs asking...whole other blog topic. 
Men. All they want to do is please us. I'm talking about the majority. They want to take care of us and look like a hero in our eyes. Even if it's something as simple as changing a tire...taking out our garbage...treating us to dinner. It's in their nature to want to protect just like it is in our nature to nurture them.  *sigh* I think I goofed on how I handled this Meany-winker, my darlings. I should've listened better on how to love him. Eh, I know better for next time, I guess. Ok, lesson learned. 

Today I am grateful for: 
Crazy 60 degree weather in January 
Bandanas that give me solace on days I don't want to deal with my hair 
Frye boots 
Tall basketball players that frequent my Starbucks and always smile at me 
My regular who always saves my seat if he's here before I am 
Big comfy beds with flowers, stripes, pillows, comforters, and sunlight that streams through my window 
The Tommy soundtrack giving me memories of a certain someone I saw in this show 
Gooey lip gloss that slips over my lips and tastes like cherry 
My sense of humor...BOOM! 
My uncanny ability to pick music for people, events, situations...I am really good like that 
Alice In Chains...oh you served me well this weekend 

I Brag: 
I have an amazing circle of friends, men and women, that are fun and talented and gorgeous and demented in humor like I am. 
I have had 3 loads of clean laundry on my floor for four days now and I don't care. I have that option of not picking it up until I want to (and before the kids come home) 
Although I am 42 (possibly look 48?) I feel better, more alive, and more beautiful than I ever did at 22 or 32. 
I am one sexy bitch and I don't have to be ashamed of who I am or compete with anyone else. 
I am proud of the woman I've become and the example I set for my children 

I Desire: 
Not just financial freedom, but abundance in a new job 
Still waiting for the elves... 
Go get a pedicure 
A phone call/text from Red 
A day at King's Spa with the girls 
Flowers or a picture/text of flowers (I love pink but don't like Star Gazer lilies...they give me migraines...but pictures of star gazers are ok, lol) 
To start singing in a group or band and do musical theatre again 
To let go of the hurt in my heart 

Song picks for the day: 
Sexy Back by Rivethead 
Rooster by Alice In Chains 
Pussycat Moan by Katie Webster 
Killing In The Name Of by Rage Against The Machine

The Kojak, the Brazilian, the landing strip...

 

Oh, Dear Lord, things have been so heavy lately.  I had to write something that made me laugh.  I realize this may make me look like a colossal bitch, but...if the shoe fits...Again, I say thank you for reading.  This is from someone who contacted me about 3 weeks ago.  Have a great weekend, everybody. xoxo, R

Good evening Sunshine! How is it going on here? I have seen you on another site as well. Any interest in talking sometime? Take a look at my profile and let me know. Have a great night.

(name)

I recognized him from another site from his picture so I went to his profile and this is what I saw in the notes:

About me: 

Hello ladies. I'm a divorced father of 2 children.  I have my children 50% of the time.  I do have time for someone special in my life.  Is that you? Who knows. Let's talk, meet and see what happens.  UPDATE! If you are crazy, needy, have B.O. are looking for $$$$, or just insane please move along.  I have no time for that! Also, NO HAIRY BOX! Please keep a neat shop! Have a good day! 

(...crickets...I think a tumbleweed rolled by me)

Normally, I would've just ignored the email and blocked this looptyloo, but my feminist bones were shaking.  

My reply was:

I think I would've remembered a profile like this one if I'd seen it on another site. Although I meet your criteria, are you really this insane?

Not insane! Just fed up and having a little fun! I just added some stuff yesterday! I am funny though.

How's that workin' out for ya? Getting a lot of quality women with the, "No B.O.," and, "No hairy box," part of your profile?

Most think it's funny! I have yet to hear from anyone I offended? Are you the first? I did not mean to offend you or anyone

(Now my inner bitch really comes out)

In all my years of comedy and improv I've just always been taught to play to my highest ability. Is this yours? Am I offended? a little because you're a stranger talking about a part of my body that is a GIFT if you get to see her...not tell me what she should look like. (And really, if you have to tell a girl, you run the risk of never getting it again and she must be living in the dark ages.) Secondly, this is the quality of women you will attract. The one that thinks toilet humor and dick jokes are appropriate to tell at your business dinners while she's got a punch bowl on her head and she's showing everyone her newest tattoo on her neck of Jesus playing poker with 4 dogs. Know your audience. You contacted me with this on your profile and I found it off-putting. But, hey, the next girl might not AND have a complete Brazilian. I mean, seriously...who doesn't? Good luck.

I don't do improv or comedy! You need to get over yourself! What makes you better? You are on this pathetic site too! Don't judge unless that makes you feel better about yourself. I'm sure on some level you're a nice person. Good luck to you too!

Obviously you don't do comedy b/c I read your profile, remember? LOL. Relax. I wasn't judging. You shouldn't ask a question that you really don't want the answer to. I haven't found this site to be pathetic at all, but it depends what you're looking for. It's (name of other site) that made me have to say I don't have a webcam, I don't want naked pictures nor do I have any to send.  Btw, I just saw your profile on there and THAT'S by far a much better and more respectable profile and description of a man I'd date. I know you didn't ask for that opinion, but consider that a freebie. I know I'm a nice person. , but thanks for saying so. xo

Thank you for that. I actually just added that on here as a joke. I meant no disrespect. If I was still a paying member on (name of other site) I would pursue you there. I am not giving (name of other site) any more of my money. Having said that, would you consider talking sometime and seeing the real me?

(name)

Darling, You only have one chance to make a first impression.  See ya 'round. 

Seriously?  After all that he still asks me out. I love it! Balls the size of New Jersey!  Like I've forgotten all about the HAIRY BOX comment that is STILL on his profile, by the way.  You know, I feel bad for some of these guys who think that this is really the way to get a woman.  But I know that there are definitely women out there who are taking advantage of these guys on the sites, too and so his animosity isn't unwarranted. I had one fella (just love this word) tell me that several women have asked to go shopping on their first dates with him.  How the hell do you ask someone for this?  "Hey, nice to meet you!  Buy me a Rolex!" What the fuck.  Have I been living under a rock?  I have a hard enough time ordering a coffee without freaking out that I look like a gold digger.  But those are my own demons.  Ah, me.  As I sit in my Starbucks I can't help but laugh to myself about the ridiculousness of it all.  I wonder what my male-readers think about this.  Driftwood, my darlings, driftwood. Ok, so the wrap up...

I Brag:

I am able to make people feel through my writing

I make myself laugh

I have great hair

I have hilarious kids and they get that from me and their dad...mostly me

What I'm grateful for today:

Salt trucks and the guys that shovel so I don't have to

my amazing Starbucks.  It's mine.  I claim it.

Freedom to say whatever the hell you want to on dating websites

the, "regular coffee clutchers,"  who come in everyday and keep me company

surprising red heads that turn mine

What I Desire:

a good night's sleep

healthy food choices

time with my friends

surprising redheads that turn mine

elves to come clean my apartment

My song picks for our dance break:

Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana

Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani

I Got Cash by Brooklyn Funk Essentials

Fool Me Once...aw, crap, you know the rest...

My darlings, it's been so long.  I'm back in the dating pool. SPLOOOOSH!!! I can't say it's easy, 'cause it ain't.  But I'm in.  Struggling a little, so I'm writing to move through some of the difficulty.  I appreciate you always for taking the time to read and peek into my life, as exciting or droll as it may be.  I wish you well on this cold, cold day.  xo, R

No you don't...you couldn't possibly have any idea.  Don't say you get it when you don't.  Let me tell you about the first time I left him.  My Jewish New Year, he had told me and the kids, "I promise you..." (my God, how I'd heard that so many times before) "...you have me for the whole weekend..." and what that turned into was the kids struggling to keep their eyes open on the Friday night so he could show up at 10pm for him to fall asleep during the bedtime story I told to the kids.  

"I'll be with you all day tomorrow, I promise," he says as I kiss him goodnight and drop him off. He walks inside.  The next morning I start cooking and he doesn't answer his phone, as usual, until about noon. 

 "What do you want me to do, Robyn, sit there and watch tv while you cook all day?"  

Um, yeah...BE with us.  Spend time with us while you have us.  My daughter hasn't seen you since before she went to camp in the summertime and my son misses you madly.  What the fuck would you be doing anyway?  

"Well, P wants me to help him move a tv stand and that's going to take me a while."  

"You can't come over after?"

"I'll give you a shout when I'm done."

Meanwhile, the kids are asking me every ten seconds when D is coming over and they look so sad when I have to tell them, "in a while, in a while..." hours go by and I call and text in between cooking for the big meal that's happening for my entire family at 5pm.  This is like our Christmas or Easter.  I've set the table with my mother's Wedgewood china, her crystal, her mother's silver.  I've bought flowers to compliment the tablecloth that I've picked for the occasion.  I can set a mean table.  And contrary to popular belief, I can cook like a motherfucker and the smoke detector hasn't gone off once.  My cell rings.  

"Hello?" it's him

"HEY! Can you come get me?" 

"Of course I can.  Where've you been?" 

"Oh, I've been with D," 

"Are you at home?" 

PAUSE

"Uh, nope, I'm at (name of bar). (Name of friend) brought me here."

and he sounds buzzed.

"And THAT'S where you've been and why you couldn't come here to be with us?" I'm furious at him. It's so typical. Why am I surprised, I'm asking in my head. This was expected behavior. 

"Don't start with that, Robyn.  He just came and got me and we came to have a couple drinks."

"You know what?  Don't come.  If you could get a ride to a bar but not a ride to my mother's house for one of the holiest days of the year for me and my family and to be with my kids who begged to be with you...don't come...I don't want you."

"Hey, fine, I'll walk to you if you want."

"Well then start walkin'."  

END BUTTON

Dinner comes...No D, and I had to tell my family now he isn't coming.  I sat at the table and watched my mother collect his plate, his utensils, his glass, and take it from the table.  I saw my son sitting sideways clutching the back of his chair with the tears in his eyes looking at me thinking he did something wrong. I watched my daughter run to the window every single time the dogs would bark thinking it was him coming up the driveway. After the meal I took my children upstairs to my old bedroom and sat them on the couch.  

"We're not going to be seeing D anymore."  and the tears fell.  

"Why, Mommy, why?"  The crying is harder which makes me cry.

"Because he just doesn't make good decisions and I have to make good decisions for us.  You mean more to me than anything on this earth and it's my job to protect you guys.  So in order to do that, we can't be with him anymore.  We can be friends with him, we can still love him, but we're not going to have him in our lives like that anymore.  We need someone who is dependable, who loves us, and who thinks of our feelings.  Do you understand?" I held them for what seemed like an eternity.

 

  And, you see, like the fool I am, I gave him a second chance after that and he fucked us over again.  I had to break my kids hearts twice.  They wanted nothing more than to see it work with him because they loved him, they loved his family, and they saw me happy with him.  So don't you tell me you get it.  You don't.  *silence*

...sigh, I have a harem of men now.  Kidding. (sorta)  I have a great friend that takes me to dinner and literally takes care of me all the time.  I tell him constantly, "I hate them all." Which is a lie.  I looooove men.  Love everything about them.  He always answers, "Thank you for hating me the least." But what I hate is the thought of getting close to anyone again, so I keep everyone at an arm's distance and I just play.  The thought of loving someone else makes my skin crawl, but yet I go out constantly and meet tons of people.  I've met some wonderful new friends and they're all married which restores my faith in the sanctity of the bond, at least.  The man that I had this conversation with adores me, (really he can't do enough for me.  He does for me everything I did for D and then some.  Drives all over hell and back, texts/calls all the time, cards/love letters, rubs my back and my feet.  And good lookin' to boot)and, although it sounds like I bit his head off in the conversation, it was all very honest and I am grateful for his friendship and loving kindness.  I've told him flat out I'm incapable of anything because I'm still in love with another man.  I didn't leave him because I didn't love him.  I left him because he gave me no other choice.  I sat on the couch after I hung up the phone with my adoring friend and looked at the pictures on my phone, the kids watching the tv.  I flip through picture after picture of us when I come to a video of D playing an acoustic guitar at Guitar Center.  His strums at the strings and he's so present, he's completely...I hate to say it like this, but sober...mine...he plays and as I'm looking at this video tears stream down my face.  He plays and he is looking at me when he's the most vulnerable. The music is his medicine and I'm watching him heal.  You can hear me giggling. He heals me just by sound...THIS is the man that I miss, the man that I love.  He's playing just for me.  He finishes and asks, "Isn't that a beautiful sound."  I reply to him, "You're beautiful," but just laughs me off.  He still is to me.  He's flawed, true, but who knows, maybe that man will come back again someday.    

What I'm grateful for today:

New old friends and good Italian food

karaoke and silly songs with fake hillbilly teeth

backrubs that last for hours and peanut shells on the floor

my children's strength to carry us when I don't have enough

friends that stayed even when the relationship went away

guitars, my man who is not mine anymore, but who taught me what love is

My song picks are: 

Seeing Things by Black Crowes

River Of Tears by Eric Clapton

Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder

Show Them To Me by Rodney Carrington