Oh, Dear Lord, things have been so heavy lately. I had to write something that made me laugh. I realize this may make me look like a colossal bitch, but...if the shoe fits...Again, I say thank you for reading. This is from someone who contacted me about 3 weeks ago. Have a great weekend, everybody. xoxo, R
Good
evening Sunshine! How is it going on here? I have seen you on
another site as well. Any interest in talking sometime? Take a look at my
profile and let me know. Have a great night.
(name)
I recognized him from another site from his picture so I went to his profile and this is what I saw in the notes:
Hello
ladies. I'm a divorced father of 2 children. I have my children 50% of
the time. I do have time for someone special in my life. Is that you?
Who knows. Let's talk, meet and see what happens. UPDATE! If you are
crazy, needy, have B.O. are looking for $$$$, or just insane please move
along. I have no time for that! Also, NO HAIRY BOX! Please keep a neat
shop! Have a good day!
(...crickets...I think a tumbleweed rolled by me)
Normally, I would've just ignored the email and blocked this looptyloo, but my feminist bones were shaking.
My reply was:
I
think I would've remembered a profile like this one if I'd seen it on
another site. Although I meet your criteria, are you really this insane?
Not insane! Just fed up and having a little fun! I just added some stuff yesterday! I am funny though.
How's that workin' out for ya? Getting a lot of quality women with the, "No B.O.," and, "No hairy box," part of your profile?
Most think it's funny! I have yet to hear from anyone I offended? Are you the first? I did not mean to offend you or anyone
(Now my inner bitch really comes out)
In
all my years of comedy and improv I've just always been taught to play
to my highest ability. Is this yours? Am I offended? a little because
you're a stranger talking about a part of my body that is a GIFT if you
get to see her...not tell me what she should look like. (And really, if
you have to tell a girl, you run the risk of never getting it again and
she must be living in the dark ages.) Secondly, this is the quality of
women you will attract. The one that thinks toilet humor and dick jokes
are appropriate to tell at your business dinners while she's got a punch
bowl on her head and she's showing everyone her newest tattoo on her neck of Jesus
playing poker with 4 dogs. Know your audience. You contacted me with
this on your profile and I found it off-putting. But, hey, the next girl
might not AND have a complete Brazilian. I mean, seriously...who
doesn't? Good luck.
I
don't do improv or comedy! You need to get over yourself! What makes
you better? You are on this pathetic site too! Don't judge unless that
makes you feel better about yourself. I'm sure on some level you're a
nice person. Good luck to you too!
Obviously
you don't do comedy b/c I read your profile, remember? LOL. Relax. I
wasn't judging. You shouldn't ask a question that you really don't want
the answer to. I haven't found this site to be pathetic at all, but it
depends what you're looking for. It's (name of other site) that made me
have to say I don't have a webcam, I don't want naked pictures nor do I
have any to send. Btw, I just saw your profile on there and THAT'S by
far a much better and more respectable profile and description of a man
I'd date. I know you didn't ask for that opinion, but consider that a
freebie. I know I'm a nice person. , but thanks for saying so. xo
Thank
you for that. I actually just added that on here as a joke. I meant no
disrespect. If I was still a paying member on (name of other site) I
would pursue you there. I am not giving (name of other site) any more of
my money. Having said that, would you consider talking sometime and
seeing the real me?
(name)
Darling, You only have one chance to make a first impression. See ya 'round.
Seriously?
After all that he still asks me out. I love it! Balls the size of New
Jersey! Like I've forgotten all about the HAIRY BOX comment that is
STILL on his profile, by the way. You know, I feel bad for some of
these guys who think that this is really the way to get a woman. But I
know that there are definitely women out there who are taking advantage
of these guys on the sites, too and so his animosity isn't unwarranted. I
had one fella (just love this word) tell me that several women have
asked to go shopping on their first dates with him. How the hell do you
ask someone for this? "Hey, nice to meet you! Buy me a Rolex!" What
the fuck. Have I been living under a rock? I have a hard enough time
ordering a coffee without freaking out that I look like a gold digger.
But those are my own demons. Ah, me. As I sit in my Starbucks I can't
help but laugh to myself about the ridiculousness of it all. I wonder
what my male-readers think about this. Driftwood, my darlings, driftwood. Ok, so the wrap up...
I Brag:
I am able to make people feel through my writing
I make myself laugh
I have great hair
I have hilarious kids and they get that from me and their dad...mostly me
What I'm grateful for today:
Salt trucks and the guys that shovel so I don't have to
my amazing Starbucks. It's mine. I claim it.
Freedom to say whatever the hell you want to on dating websites
the, "regular coffee clutchers," who come in everyday and keep me company
surprising red heads that turn mine
What I Desire:
a good night's sleep
healthy food choices
time with my friends
surprising redheads that turn mine
elves to come clean my apartment
My song picks for our dance break:
Heart Shaped Box by Nirvana
Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani
I Got Cash by Brooklyn Funk Essentials
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