My
darlings, it's been so long. I'm back in the dating pool. SPLOOOOSH!!!
I can't say it's easy, 'cause it ain't. But I'm in. Struggling a
little, so I'm writing to move through some of the difficulty. I
appreciate you always for taking the time to read and peek into my life,
as exciting or droll as it may be. I wish you well on this cold, cold
day. xo, R
No
you don't...you couldn't possibly have any idea. Don't say you get it
when you don't. Let me tell you about the first time I left him. My
Jewish New Year, he had told me and the kids, "I promise you..." (my
God, how I'd heard that so many times before) "...you have me for the
whole weekend..." and what that turned into was the kids struggling to
keep their eyes open on the Friday night so he could show up at 10pm for
him to fall asleep during the bedtime story I told to the kids.
"I'll
be with you all day tomorrow, I promise," he says as I kiss him
goodnight and drop him off. He walks inside. The next morning I start
cooking and he doesn't answer his phone, as usual, until about noon.
"What do you want me to do, Robyn, sit there and watch tv while you cook all day?"
Um,
yeah...BE with us. Spend time with us while you have us. My daughter
hasn't seen you since before she went to camp in the summertime and my
son misses you madly. What the fuck would you be doing anyway?
"Well, P wants me to help him move a tv stand and that's going to take me a while."
"You can't come over after?"
"I'll give you a shout when I'm done."
Meanwhile,
the kids are asking me every ten seconds when D is coming over and they
look so sad when I have to tell them, "in a while, in a while..." hours
go by and I call and text in between cooking for the big meal that's
happening for my entire family at 5pm. This is like our Christmas or
Easter. I've set the table with my mother's Wedgewood china, her
crystal, her mother's silver. I've bought flowers to compliment the
tablecloth that I've picked for the occasion. I can set a mean table.
And contrary to popular belief, I can cook like a motherfucker and the
smoke detector hasn't gone off once. My cell rings.
"Hello?" it's him
"HEY! Can you come get me?"
"Of course I can. Where've you been?"
"Oh, I've been with D,"
"Are you at home?"
PAUSE
"Uh, nope, I'm at (name of bar). (Name of friend) brought me here."
and he sounds buzzed.
"And
THAT'S where you've been and why you couldn't come here to be with us?"
I'm furious at him. It's so typical. Why am I surprised, I'm asking in
my head. This was expected behavior.
"Don't start with that, Robyn. He just came and got me and we came to have a couple drinks."
"You
know what? Don't come. If you could get a ride to a bar but not a
ride to my mother's house for one of the holiest days of the year for me
and my family and to be with my kids who begged to be with you...don't
come...I don't want you."
"Hey, fine, I'll walk to you if you want."
"Well then start walkin'."
END BUTTON
Dinner
comes...No D, and I had to tell my family now he isn't coming. I sat
at the table and watched my mother collect his plate, his utensils, his
glass, and take it from the table. I saw my son sitting sideways
clutching the back of his chair with the tears in his eyes looking at me
thinking he did something wrong. I watched my daughter run to the
window every single time the dogs would bark thinking it was him coming
up the driveway. After the meal I took my children upstairs to my old
bedroom and sat them on the couch.
"We're not going to be seeing D anymore." and the tears fell.
"Why, Mommy, why?" The crying is harder which makes me cry.
"Because
he just doesn't make good decisions and I have to make good decisions
for us. You mean more to me than anything on this earth and it's my job
to protect you guys. So in order to do that, we can't be with him
anymore. We can be friends with him, we can still love him, but we're
not going to have him in our lives like that anymore. We need someone
who is dependable, who loves us, and who thinks of our feelings. Do you
understand?" I held them for what seemed like an eternity.
And, you
see, like the fool I am, I gave him a second chance after that and he
fucked us over again. I had to break my kids hearts twice. They wanted
nothing more than to see it work with him because they loved him, they
loved his family, and they saw me happy with him. So don't you tell me
you get it. You don't. *silence*
...sigh,
I have a harem of men now. Kidding. (sorta) I have a great friend
that takes me to dinner and literally takes care of me all the time. I
tell him constantly, "I hate them all." Which is a lie. I looooove men.
Love everything about them. He always answers, "Thank you for hating
me the least." But what I hate is the thought of getting close to anyone
again, so I keep everyone at an arm's distance and I just play. The
thought of loving someone else makes my skin crawl, but yet I go out
constantly and meet tons of people. I've met some wonderful new friends
and they're all married which restores my faith in the sanctity of the
bond, at least. The man that I had this conversation with adores me,
(really he can't do enough for me. He does for me everything I did for D
and then some. Drives all over hell and back, texts/calls all the
time, cards/love letters, rubs my back and my feet. And good lookin' to
boot)and, although it sounds like I bit his head off in the
conversation, it was all very honest and I am grateful for his
friendship and loving kindness. I've told him flat out I'm incapable of
anything because I'm still in love with another man. I didn't leave
him because I didn't love him. I left him because he gave me no other
choice. I sat on the couch after I hung up the phone with my adoring
friend and looked at the pictures on my phone, the kids watching the tv.
I flip through picture after picture of us when I come to a video of D
playing an acoustic guitar at Guitar Center. His strums at the strings
and he's so present, he's completely...I hate to say it like this, but
sober...mine...he plays and as I'm looking at this video tears
stream down my face. He plays and he is looking at me when he's the
most vulnerable. The music is his medicine and I'm watching him heal.
You can hear me giggling. He heals me just by sound...THIS is the man
that I miss, the man that I love. He's playing just for me. He
finishes and asks, "Isn't that a beautiful sound." I reply to him,
"You're beautiful," but just laughs me off. He still is to me. He's
flawed, true, but who knows, maybe that man will come back again
someday.
What I'm grateful for today:
New old friends and good Italian food
karaoke and silly songs with fake hillbilly teeth
backrubs that last for hours and peanut shells on the floor
my children's strength to carry us when I don't have enough
friends that stayed even when the relationship went away
guitars, my man who is not mine anymore, but who taught me what love is
My song picks are:
Seeing Things by Black Crowes
River Of Tears by Eric Clapton
Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder
Show Them To Me by Rodney Carrington
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