When I received D's emails, they were sweet, non-threatening, and so complimentary...which as you know, wins me over. Say something nice to me and I'm like butter. "Your smile made me want to start writing songs again." I'll take that over, "Nice tits!" any day. I've had a hard time putting down in words the experience with Cowboy D because it just seems so ridiculous. I feel like a fool and a bitch at the same time. But I can't write about it without saying the good and the bad. (big breath) So, D and I had a great friend connection right away. He reminded me of my dad in a certain corny-jokester kinda way. Which is fine, because my father is an amazing man. Some even joke and call him St. M. Anyway, D and I started with emails that progressed to text messages, then to phone calls. He is ex-military (another huge point with me) and an incredible singer. (DING DING DING) D had sent me a link to him singing various songs that I'd never heard before (I am such a country-misfit) and a you-tube video of him singing. He's described himself in his profile as a few extra pounds, he has dark, longer hair, and he's tall. In his pictures he's wearing a cowboy hat, or a bandanna on his head. He's an average guy, but so nice. We talk for a few weeks. Throughout the few weeks we discuss the shit storms of our marriages, but we don't complain, which I liked about him. Things were bad in both of our marriages, but he, like I, moved through it, or moves through it with the best attitude we can knowing there's love out there. He sends me messages singing me songs. They're beautiful. The songs make me stop in my tracks. Just knowing somebody took time out of his day to do that for me is so sweet. Sweet sweet sweet. This word keeps coming in my mind and out of my fingers. But there's something missing. There's sweetness, tenderness in his voice, "You are a beautiful woman and I simply can't imagine from what little I know of you, why any man wouldn't find it hard to leave work early just to spend time with you..." I feel nothing. I feel thankful for such sentiment, but nothing stirring me. Maybe it's just because I have nothing tangible yet. No warm body to go with the words.
About three and a half weeks go by and I get a phone call at 7am...
"Hello," I grumble
"Hey there, Sunshine, whatcha doin'?"
"Sleeping. I don't have to work until 12 so I'm...I'm sleeping."
"Hahaha, well..." blah blah blah, I'm half-asleep and I think he's asking me how I'm feeling or if the sky is blue, I don't really fucking know because I was SLEEPING. "...so whatcha doin'?" he asks again.
"Sleeping. Still sleeping. In bed. Sleepity sleep sleeping."
"Well, I can be there in 10 minutes."
RECORD SCREEEEECH
"What?" I sat straight up in bed. He lives about 40 minutes away from me. So he planned this.
"Yeah, I know you live by Starbucks. Why don't you meet me in 10 minutes."
At this point I should have said no. My best friend still yells at me telling me she would've told him to go fuck himself if he would've woken her up and then said come meet me for the first time in ten minutes. But not me. I'm curious, and low-maintenance. I can be ready for anything in 20 minutes.
"You have to let me shower, D. This was unexpected." I pull myself from the bed and start to stumble towards the bathroom. "And you're going to get me in my workout clothes because I'll have to leave for the studio." I stick a toothbrush in my mouth.
"Fine with me. I just want to meet you in person. It's time."
I jump in and out of the shower, blow-dry my wig, throw my clothes on, run down the back stairwell to the exit to Starbucks, fling open the door FLING! I hear meep meep and see flashing lights of a car. I stand there watching a car door open (creeeeaaakkk) and a man gets out of the car that is supposed to be D, the man that is, "a few extra pounds," but instead he looks like he very well possibly ATE the man that was, "a few extra pounds." I quickly think to myself, "I could run." But then my brain slaps me in the face and says, "STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH! You've been talking to this sweet man for weeks and what's been lacking may finally be here. Give him a chance." (and besides, he saw you and you're the only one in this Starbucks with pink hair...he knows it's you) He walks up to me and grabs me in a bear hug and I actually hear my back crack like an adjustment at the chiropractor's office, "D, you gotta be careful with me. I'm a delicate flower and I have to work today, " I tell him. He tells me I'm even more beautiful in person than I am in my pictures. Now, I describe myself as a few extra pounds because I would like to lose 10 or 15 pounds more. But that's the difference between men and women. With men, you could sit Brad Pitt next to Norm from Cheers at a bar and they'll be HI-5 ing each other being the best of friends and not thinking anything of it. Meanwhile, you have Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, or better yet...sit Angelina next to a fucking mirror and she'll be scratching her own eyes out. And they are clearly GORGEOUS women but that's what women do. Such a shame. Ah, Thank Goddess for Mama Gena and the School of Womanly Arts. Alas, I digress. Ok, back to Cowboy D. He buys coffee for us and we sit down to talk. I'm looking at him and he looks nothing like his pictures. He's at least 50 pounds heavier than the pictures and in those he was heavy. His hair isn't dark, it's kinda blonde with about an inch of grey roots like he dyes it, but his beard is dark and his eyebrows are almost non-existent and his hair is almost as long as mine and Jesus-like. And all he can do is look at me and tell me how pretty I am, but when he's telling me, his lips are shaking over his teeth...(sigh) I have to take a minute. Ok, so then he says to me, "I wish I'd known you had to work today. I was going to say let's get into my car and just drive." Yes, I've got a great secluded place where nobody will hear you scream....under the stairs...Oh my sweet heaven.
"Well, you didn't tell me you were coming." I replied with a smile, "It was so nice of you to buy me coffee this morning, but I have to get on my way to work." I get up and try to make a dash for the door.
"Oh, I'll walk you to your door." FUCK
He walks me to the doorway to the stairwell to my building and I know what's coming. I quickly turn my head while he hugs me again like Lenny from Of Mice And Men but now D grabs my face and says, "Nooo," in this upspeak no like he's trying to force me to kiss him. So I, in turn say, "NOoooo," in the same upspeak. And this guy says to me, "Why not?"
"Because, D, I said no. Because you think you bought me a cup of coffee that gives you a right to kiss me when I don't want you to? Because all the conversations we've had about the lack of control I had over my body in my marriage, I am saying, 'no,' and that will have to do. I have a chance to do things right now and that's how it's going to be."
"You're right. I'm sorry." He hugs me and that motherfucker kisses me anyway. I was so mad I could've spit nails. I mumbled something like, "See you later." and I dashed up my stairs making sure the door closed behind me without him. Later at my studio I was still fuming about it and my manager called it, "Mouth Rape." That at least made me laugh.
A few hours later I received a voice message from him. He'd said he wasn't looking for someone all agoogoo over him, but with me he'd felt something and I'd touched something so profound in him. He'd wanted to see where the connection was coming from. He wasn't trying to cheapen me...blah blah blah. " I wonder if she kisses as well as she wants her guys to kiss." I wanted to vomit. I called him. Five minutes of pleasantries and small talk go by and finally I said,
"So are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
"Well, I was hoping we could just forget it."
"That's not how I roll, D. If we don't have any communication, we have nothing. I have to be honest with you and tell you what you did today was really fucked up. You can't treat me like that. I don't feel any man/woman chemistry with you. I think you are a nice guy, but I don't feel like we could have that type of a relationship."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. If you ever change your mind, you've got my number."
POOF! Conversation over. (Exhale)
The next day he'd erased all of our conversations and BLOCKED ME so I'm not really sure what ever happened to him. I also took a break from Internet dating. I need a nap...or a shot of Jack Daniels.
This made me grateful for my ability to use my voice to stand in my impenetrable spot. I am so much stronger than what I used to be. I'm a lot more fun, too, but I am grateful for being able to say what I want and don't want. I am grateful for D's kind words, and his song choices. He gave me some good songs I didn't know about before. I wish you all so much love and joy as the snow melts. I can feel spring coming, can you? My life is really good. This whole experience wasn't horrible. It was comical. It was perfect timing for where I am now. I'm holding my hands out for more. xxoo, R
The song I chose for this entry is, "What's Your Fantasy," by Ludacris and C. Shawna and, "Like Red On A Rose," by Alan Jackson
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