I had one month. One month to the DAY as a matter of fact. Wtf, that is so fucking wrong it makes me laugh out loud. I had one month of love. Oh, and it was so good, so yummy, so fun and it pissed me off that I couldn't blog about all of it's goodness because I promised. ARGH! And now...poof! Gone. What a pisser, right?! I swear this guy should've gotten a medal because anyone who knows me could tell you I was nowhere near wanting a relationship. But the more room he gave me, the more I said, "Yes," to him. I figured what the hell. You gotta let go sometime and love. So I did. I loved with reckless abandon. I was 100 percent myself. I let my heart open as wide as I could for the first time, I think, ever, with the hope of something wonderful. And I could feel my love for him and my attachment to him grow so strongly. All my trust, it's really freeing. In 15 years I now had a man who's sole purpose was to make me smile. I didn't have to share him with another girlfriend/wife. I didn't have to leave him to crawl back into the hell-hole of my bed with the man who treated me like shit demeaning me with every breath. He was all mine to spoil with love. I had told him I didn't think I knew how. I was, "broken," and that I didn't know what normal love really was. But I think I have a better idea now.
Adoration, compromise, agreement, friendship, bonding, sensuality, emotion, happiness, yearning, growing...too much new age-y bullshit? Yeah, he thought so, too. Hence one of the reasons I'm here blogging now and he's at home watching tv. For those of you that know me well, you know I've been hit by men twice my size. ( I think of Halloween one year when I was dressed as the Swiss Miss Cocoa Girl and I got into a fight with a guy at Flicks in Shorewood. My big mouth got me pushed down and stomped. I mean, come on. I was in lederhosen and pink tights for fuck's sake! ) Anyway, I digress, my point being, I've taken a hit and I can joke about it, but this stung worse than being hit. Not being liked for who I am when I've worked so hard on being a better person. Or maybe it hurts because I feel like someone who tried so hard to get me, didn't know what to do with me once he had me. Driftwood. I have to try to look at it as driftwood. He's one step closer to what I've been waiting for. "Maybe you won't have to wait your whole life," he said to me on the first night we were together as he held me and my head rested on his chest. I listened to his heart beating and I was able to rest in his arms. I'm so sad. I didn't want him to go. I believed in love. I'm so naive.
Tonight's song pick, my lovelies, is, "Fix You," by Coldplay
I brag I am capable of loving
I brag I am an amazing friend and girlfriend
I am grateful for the month that I had
I am grateful for my friends who love me for who I am how I am
I desire my life to continue on a path of discovery
I desire more. More love, more laughter, more light
As always, I am so grateful for you to take time to read this. I hope this post finds you well and loved. xxoo
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