I belong to a women's group in New York that has absolutely changed my life...saved my life. We have an online community that we are able to post anything and everything and we can comment to each other and I'd come across a post that I'd made before I'd separated from my ex. I can tell you the exact moment that I made up my mind that I was going to leave my husband, the moment that I knew I would never look at him the same again. This is not a haha posting today, my darlings. I apologize in advance if it's too much.
It was rare that my husband would keep the kids out of the bedroom and quiet while I was sleeping, but this one particular morning I could hear him saying to the kids, "Let Mommy sleep." Until he finally came in and stood on my side of the bed and said,
"Robyn, I need you to be awake now."
"Ok, what?" I peeled my eyes open.
"M's dead." Just like that. But he was never one for mincing words.
I sat up immediately, "What? What? What do you mean?" He started to tell me that my mother's best friend's youngest son was dead. I couldn't understand what he was saying to me, like he was speaking to me in a different language. My ex dialed the phone and called the oldest of the 5 kids and handed it to me.
"J?" I choked out, "What happened? What is this?"
"Robyn? We don't know what happened yet. They found him laying there in his bed. Ma is here layin' on the couch..." J is sobbing. J is what you would call a man's man. Not a crier. I'm close to this family. I'd do anything for any of the kids. We've been on vacations together, spent years of Christmas Eves together. I'd just been to Miami with the middle sister. The youngest sister interned for my (then) husband, the youngest kids had come over to get chicken pox from me.
"I'm getting dressed now. I'll be there in an hour."
I am so fucking confused and out of sorts, I put my shoes on before my pants and I can't figure out WHY my pants won't go on over my shoes. I'm trying to hold it together as best as I can, but I'm still crying. Ex grabs me by the shoulders and sits me down on the closed toilet seat in the bathroom, looks into my eyes and says, "Robyn, I don't want to stop you from going...but who's going to make dinner?"
I sat in silence for a good 30 seconds before I replied.
That's the moment. That's the moment I said in my head, "I am SO leaving you." All the Mama Gena, Inner Circle, Therapy, Lexipro...NOTHING will ever make me forget this moment of, "But who's going to make dinner?" I tried so hard to find him right. It was Yom Kippur at sundown and he was worried he wouldn't have food for the fast. "Can you go to your parents?" But he said that they eat too early. I suggested some takeout menus downstairs and that seemed to appease him for the moment. At least long enough for me to get in the car and start my hour-long drive. M's death was...is still very hard for all of us who knew him. It's only been a year since he's been gone. He was young and so handsome and ridiculously fun to be around. And, my G-d could he dance. His middle brother is my age (always the one that I was kinda associated with the most) and at one of the many parties we were all at, M and I danced together and when the song was over he said in my ear, "Now who's your favorite?" Flirty little fucker! So, of course I told him it was HIM. I'd watched him grow from a little boy into a man. Such a good, kind, loving, giving man.
At work I made a special playlist that I used, and I still use it every once in a while because I know that M would love knowing there are all these women pole dancing and lap dancing in his honor. Yeah, he does. I am grateful for knowing M. For the memories I have. For still having his amazing family in my life. For whatever purpose his death had to serve, although I'll never understand why. But I am grateful because it led me here. I miss you. With love, R
I have two songs for M tonight
"Somebody," Bonnie McKee
"Calling All Angels," The Wailin' Jennys
Sheesshhhh.
ReplyDeleteStanding Ovation.
Tell it like it is, Sister.
I will Stand for you, Always, S